I Miss My Mom.

Ok...this is a topic I was again thinking I would wait a bit before jumping into on here, but again, God has really laid this on my heart a lot over the past week, so I'm gonna go for it.

I miss my mom.

There really isn't a lot more to say about the subject exactly.  That is the thought that runs through my head every single day pretty much.  I would say it runs through multiple times per day actually.  I will be honest, it's been a month or so since I have actually sat down and allowed myself the time to think about how much I really do miss her, mostly because when I do, I cry...and it's not a pretty cry...it's a sobbing, uncontrollable, usually inconsolable cry.  She was an amazing woman and I learned so much from her, I can't begin to explain how hard it is to not have her around and the pain that is in my heart every single day to know that Kolten will not grow up around her and that McKinley never even got to meet her.

Kolten and Mom right after he was born - look at that love!

 

Kolten and Mom on his 1st Thankgiving - November 2010

I always knew as a kid that my parents were older than all of my friend's parents.  For those that may not know, I was what I like to call a "happy surprise" (some call it an accident :)) for my parents, they were 46 when I was born.  I am one of 6 children and my oldest brother is 25 years older than me and the youngest before me is 15 years older than I am.   I actually have a niece that is one month and one day older than I am. If you have ever seen "Father of the Bride - Part 2" that is kind of my family (I don't think my mom and sister in law did any fun workouts together while they were close to their due date like in the movie - but it's a great thing to imagine!).  

One of my FAVORITE pictures!  Me with my Mom and Grandma Scheer (my mom's mom) and niece Candace

I totally understand that there are many people out there that lose parents at very young ages because of diseases or accidents.  I know that there are people out there that lost parents as infants and never knew them.  I never ever want it to seem like I do not sympathize with them or that in any way I feel sorry for myself for not having my mom here now.  I know how lucky I was to have the time with her that I did.  I am not going to go into the long details of what happened with my mom, that is a topic for another day.

Kolten w/ Mom and Dad - December 2011

Like I said, I don't let myself think that often about how much I miss her.  Even typing this, Keith is not home, so I know that I can't myself really get down in that place to really acknowledge how much I miss her.  What I DO focus on each day is how much I love her (not LOVED - I still love her, that love will ALWAYS be here).  How much she has taught me and how incredible, truly incredible she was as a mother, wife, friend, and woman.  She died in June of 2012.  I was just a couple months pregnant with McKinley at the time and I was going through one of the hardest times in my life personally.  At the time, I don't know if it even occurred to me completely how God was watching over me and helping my heart to grow and love in ways I never thought possible.  I was in so much distress from everything going on around me, all I could do was to lean on God and put every ounce of my trust in Him to see me through what was one of the hardest years of my life.  You know what?  I came through it!  I am now happier than I can truly ever remember being and there is a certain amount of that happiness that is bittersweet.

I wish my mom was here to share in my happiness.  I wish she could have been at the hospital to hold McKinley the day she was born.  I wish I could call her and tell her about how much fun I am having being able to stay home with the kids.  I wish I could talk to her when I have had a bad day and I just need that advise or someone to say, "It's okay honey, everything will be okay."  I know she is watching over us.  I know she will see my kids grow and she can see how happy we all are.  I know that I will see her again someday. 

Kolten, McKinley and I at Mom's grave - December 2013

 There is no big lesson with this, take from it what you will, for now I am going to go pick up my baby girl (who I can hear talking in her crib because she has apparently waken up from her afternoon nap...) and give her an extra hug from Grandma Jean...:)

Have a blessed day friends! :)